I belong...

I just came back from a very busy one month holiday in Dubai. During this one month, I planned a one day visit to my center. This one day became two days. I was planning on turning in to four days...

When I first entered, I felt like a student joining a school for the first time. My legs were shaking and I was breathing very fast. I've been questioning myself all morning: Should I wear this or that? Should I put on high heels or flats? What gifts shall I take to my kids? Which perfume? Should I park outside or underground? Behind all these meaningless questions was a main one: Do I really want to go?

I reached during break time. I entered and my eyes were gazing at my kids. H recognized me immediately and she was jumping out of her wheelchair! G was very shy. S realized I was somewhere in his memory, but it took him a while to find me. The rest of our sections' kids were simply happy. I was happy.

Everything felt so...normal...typical...it was like I've been away for a day or 2. I put on my working coat and went back to work so smoothly. I did the same on day 2. Its funny coz I thought I'll get a reality shock again after all the pinky-ness that I was living in at the UK. But no, it wasn't reality shock. In fact, reality has never left me. I had to hang on to this reality because THIS is what I wana change. So, to all my dear friends who think that I'm 'too good' to be in this center: its where I belong. These are my children, my people, my country. I'm not saying I'll be there forever. I'm just saying that Allah knows best, and shall leave when its the right time to leave.

Title-less

And back to my blog! Oh god how much I miss you...I've come along at times when I was depressed and feeling so lonely. But then I gave up on you just like I gave up on my special world, and created a distance between this world and my personal life that was penetrated by you.

I did not exactly give up my special world. Its been 4 years! YES 4 FREAKIN YEARS...& I'm still there, with my little ones who have grown so much. My princesses G & H, RA, M & S. Okay I'm not technically 'there'. I'm at the UK doing my Masters in Special Educational Needs..my dream, my passion, what I've always wanted so badly...it finally came true! So before I speak about this huge pinky dream I need to update my blog since the last post was more than 2 years ago.

School (in general) has been moving one step forward, and ten backwards. Things has been getting worse and worse by the day. I thought I can make things change. But things have ended up changing me, and that's when I realized that 4 years of my life has passed, and I shall not stay any longer. This place is not for me. Not yet.

We moved into this fancy building that is very beautiful in terms of how it looks like. Our director left us and we have no one to lead the center at the moment. Teachers have been working so hard in gossiping and creating problems with each other. The whole atmosphere has been so negative and sick. Poor children. I think am gonna stop here.

UK: learning and learning and non-stop learning! I so needed to be in this environment that is filled with hope and positive energy. When are we going to reach to this stage of inclusion? I did learn that it took developed countries decades to reach this advanced level, but I also realize that we can adapt those strategies and avoid making their mistakes in order to accelerate the process of inclusion in the UAE! Its not really that complicated. It only requires strength, intelligence, commitment, and hope.

Instead of counting the days to go back to my country, I'm counting the number of days that are being subtracted from my one year of learning experience. It is sad. It is hard going back to my normal life in school after I have seen whats being done here. The kind of treatment and respect that is expressed towards every single individual without discrimination based on ability or disability.

However, I do believe from all my heart, that I have been chosen to do this. I have a strong feeling towards being the change and causing it to happen. After earning my degree, I will have all the confidence and strength that I need to fight those in the 'wrong' places making the very 'wrong' decisions. I will be heard and someone will eventually listen to what I have to say. Those children need me back in there. In the small classroom that hold great love and compassion. The classroom that shaped me and brought up the best in me. I can almost say that my greatest degree that I will always be so proud of has been earned from this classroom, from my children whom I miss dearly.

Even if I had to be selfish enough to leave them one day, I'll always have this goal of going back to them and improving the services that would be provided for a new G, a new H, a new RA, a new M, and a new S.

Dear special world,

You have given me strength, passion, and love. The best moments of my life with my precious ones, but it IS time to leave, for good.

When I first came, you were a dream come true. Actually it was too good to be true. My first *second thoughts* about you were related to how much I thought I wasn't good enough to be there, how much my children deserved someone better than I am.

You were so special, that you made me forget my life. I spent so much time and energy in your world, and I thought you're everything I ever wanted, you're the best that I can ever ask for in my life.

The children? my love, my passion, my strength. I learned so much from you and I still believe in you. I know that Allah will always protect you, and be with you. I definitely know that some day inshaAllah you will be able to talk to me, and I will talk to you, and we will laugh together.

I'm in so much pain, and I don't even know why I'm typing this right now. My eyes are filled with tears and I don't know what else to do. 

Year 2

I had to scan through my posts for the past couple of years of teaching. It feels like being in some marathon where I was running and running not being able to catch my breath for a moment. Its just so fast how time is passing. Im a teacher already with 2 years of teaching experience. WOW..

I also noticed how less enthusiastic Ive been this past year. Perhaps its because of all the changes, pressure, and being affected by others behaviors. It was just too much for me to handle on a psychological level. BUT..my students progress was amazing..especially the 2 little princesses G & H..I've seen them grow every single day and I just cant describe how wonderful that feeling is.

Do I want to continue? Yes. I did have second thoughts about everything coz I did reach the point when I've had enough..but being with my students made it worth every moment of despair..the happiness that fills up my world when being surrounded by them always reminds me of how much I love what I'm doing, and I can never leave that behind and walk away..

For the last month, I havent really prepared anything for next year coz last year's preparations were stored somewhere in my shelves. This school is so unpredicatable where everyday or at least every thursday it must end with some surprise..and unpleasant one ofcourse..so I just decided to leave everything on hold until I get into my classroom and meet my students again..whether they'll be the same ones OR I will be expecting a number 7..8..or even 10..everything is possible..

miss you..always..

AEPS?!

I've been going every saturday to a VERY VERY interesting 'workshop'. Interesting in very special ways.

This workshop is about a new 'advanced' curriculum in the area of Early Intervention. It follows team approach and require family support. A very nice and optimistic curriculum. An interesting Arabic dude decided to translate it and unfortunately our Ministry paid him hundreds of thousands. The goal behind this workshop is for us to be able to traine the others in the center. But...

What I hate in some people is when they TALK about things that they do not know about. Is it very difficult for people to simply say 'I dont know?' Okay fine we get that you have a phd and bla bla..but it doesnt mean that u know it all !!!

So this workshop was supposedly given by a dr.someone who translated a whole book that has assessments, evaluation forms, and curriculums for early intervention into Arabic. This curriculum has a lot of scoring, its international, very detailed and professional.

Arabic version: He translated the old edition. When he was done he realized that a new edition is produced. Okay now what should he do? AHA! Choose some stuff from the new one and add it to the other and maybe cancel some chapters of the test. Whatever. No one will notice. There you go. 4 huge boring books FULL of letters and words and spelling/vocab mistake. Translated word by word NOT by meaning. Stick the logo of the Ministry on the cover just for show-off. Hundreds of thousands for such crap.

I was angery, furious, extremely upset about how we tend to trust people and throw our money on things that are not even revised or certified! It was just so depressing and a waste of time. That person has supposedly earned a phd and he's responsible for the Masters program in a University that holds the name of my country. Such a shame.

Whats happening now is that we're so excited about borrowing everything from the West just to mention that OH our center uses AEPS or Portage or PECS or whatever. Its about the title not the content. Okay fine its such a great idea that we're actually translating curriculums but why can't we just do it the right way? hire the right people? follow the right procedure?

7th IEP

I met with RA's mother the other day. As I very well expected, his mother has absolutely no idea about how to deal with her son, which made me feel sorry for her.

I don't really know what exactly affects "good" parenting of a child with special needs. I have parents who know every single thing about their child and his or her disability in terms of techniques or medical approaches available for their case etc etc although they have other children besides this child, although they are working mothers, no matter how 'severe' the case is, they still do believe in their child and know exactly what the strengths and weaknesses are.

Other parents, RA's in specific is of a different case. I stayed analyzing her personality and the reasons why she might lack enough knowledge about how to take care of RA. First of all, she got married at a very young age (16 years old) and having a child with special needs at such a young age could've been a shock for her. She has this image of RA being a 'normal' child but a little 'naughtier' than the others. She does not understand his behavior, and from what I've seen, RA still hasn't gain the concept of punishment and reward. He does not realize that oops I've done something wrong and I will be punished for it and mommy's gonna be angry at me! In fact, he is still not able to differentiate between those different feelings an adult might expose him to. And sadly, she's been physically punishing him so hard to MAKE him understand.

I really think that parents of children with special needs in general are always always blamed for the way they treat their child and how theyre careless at some times and bla bla..but really..when you actually sit with them and know what theyre going through, its just heart breaking. They need guidance. And we are required to provide them with guidance and support and forgiveness for the little mistakes that they might do. I can not blame RA's mother for physically punishing RA because we as special educators are the ones RESPONSIBLE for guiding her through this very challenging experience. A lot of you might go like oh my god how could she lay a hand at such an innocent child and you would honestly feel sorry for him. But you would never imagine how difficult it is to raise a child with special needs. Not even myself, his teacher.

For now, it seems that I need to prepare a new IEP: for RA's mother. Its not about him now, its about creating a healthy relationship between him and his mother based on understanding and help her overcome this whole confusion state that she's going through.

As a special educator, as a teacher in this field, you find out that its never really about the child alone. Working with children with special needs require efforts with the child, his parents, his family, the whole team and community. We are very responsible for this child's whole life and we must interfere with all the aspects of it. Teaching is so much more than matching colors and shapes. Its about creating a clear path, a safe one, for this child to continue going through even when you are not around.

in pain..

I feel so much hurt today. In so much pain. I just felt that I hate everything that has to do with the center. Everyone. Including myself. Its just hard to blame yourself for doing the RIGHT thing for a student, a human being. Those in the center need to be reminded that we are dealing here with HUMAN BEINGS. Helpless souls that Allah has created and will definitely y7asib whoever is not being fair to them. I've already decided that I'm going to shut up and lock myself in my cubicle. The only thing that made me leave my cubicle is little R. To leave, go to his classroom, hold his hand, and bring him in. And that was after receiving orders (which by the way were given by chance in the corridor).

I talked to the 'psychologist' very respectfully yesterday about why I DO NOT want to attend the first meeting with R's mother to tell her about her son's case. The ones who were supposed to attend were the psychologist since SHE was the one who told the mom that her son is perfectly NORMAL. Plus our director who decided out of the blues to invite R to my classroom last Sunday. And the social worker, just as a decoration. That was just yesterday.

Little R's mother came in today, for the second time, a day before her actual meeting. She pops in during classtime. Her face is pale, bloodless. Tears in her eyes. Her voice is not very clear. The psychologist acts as if she's in her very own classroom and asks her to STAY with R and the rest of us. He starts to cry hysterically and hangs on to her abaya. She indirectly blames ME for making him cry. She thinks he's normal and doesn't believe that any of the skills I teach in this class are important. All what she wants is her son to be in a different section, with normal-looking students, under the name of KG 1. She doesn't care if all he's learned last term was 'throw the tissue in the garbage'. She doesn't believe that her son suffers from any mental delay or motor impairments. R is normal.

It was very shocking. I just needed more time to arrange my thoughts. Going to the psychologist made it worse. I blamed myself for a second because I was the one who went into his classroom and held his hand that day. I was the one who kept on thinking of him all week because of what I've seen in his classroom and the kind of treatment he receives from his teachers. I was the one who wanted him in the classroom. Its all because of me. Well, these thoughts didn't last for a second, it was bit longer. Then I stopped, and reminded myself, "students come first."

I'm even more confused. Should I continue locking myself. Or should I make a big fuss of it? I feel like being stepped on. Its painful by all means. Everyone seems to blame me for accepting him in my class. Or do I deserve to be blamed? Anyways, its too late for that, and its too much for me to deal with. R is just one student out of 6 who still need me to continue teaching with my full potential. I'm not sure if I'm ready to fight a whole system which has been there since 20 years or so. A system that places the student LAST and specific people FIRST. A system that never appreciate hard work. A system that steps on weak people. A system that will never change.