The sooner I get to graduate, the more scared I am. I have to admit it! I am really scared. I'm freaked out. I'm in panic. Throughout this year, I got to know who my real friends are. The first time I went to the center for a visit, I barely got a "Salam Alaikom", or even a smile. Their face expressions said, "Oh gosh, she's back." Honestly, I never really expected to be welcomed back this way. Instead, I expected people to fake a smile or a conversation just to know about how I have been doing, which is normally what they do everyday. However, this was probably too hard for them to even fake it. What hurts even more, is the fact that those whom I once thought were my friends, are the ones speaking behind my back. This hurts. Now I think I hold a much greater responsibility towards the center. I need to go back, as strong as I can ever be. I need to speak up for what I believe in. I need to stop all the sh*t going on in whatever way possible. But I'm scared. Very scared.
Before I left the center, I was this quiet girl who doesn't really have a voice. I was a good teacher and everyone recognized this in a way or another, but I was in my own world. I trusted a lot of people, I let a lot of them step on me, but I somehow ignored and moved on. This is the reason why they thought it's OKAY to throw things at me, because I'm that sweet little girl without a voice. Another way to look at it is: I'm that weak naive girl who cannot speak for herself. I don't know if I can change this. I just don't know if I'll have enough strength to fight for what I believe in. I feel so lonely in this, but I don't want to leave the center before I make a change, even if it was a slight change, or at least I should try hard. Very hard.
I'm away from them, but I still do feel these stabs in the back. I feel the hatred. I've been with these people for 4 years, and no one even bothered to ask if I was still alive. I just want to go back and gain all the confidence in the world, and all the strength that I need. I pray to Allah every single day to provide me with whatever I need to fight this. To fight this very wrong sick system. I have one year to do this. I have to do it.
Before I left the center, I was this quiet girl who doesn't really have a voice. I was a good teacher and everyone recognized this in a way or another, but I was in my own world. I trusted a lot of people, I let a lot of them step on me, but I somehow ignored and moved on. This is the reason why they thought it's OKAY to throw things at me, because I'm that sweet little girl without a voice. Another way to look at it is: I'm that weak naive girl who cannot speak for herself. I don't know if I can change this. I just don't know if I'll have enough strength to fight for what I believe in. I feel so lonely in this, but I don't want to leave the center before I make a change, even if it was a slight change, or at least I should try hard. Very hard.
I'm away from them, but I still do feel these stabs in the back. I feel the hatred. I've been with these people for 4 years, and no one even bothered to ask if I was still alive. I just want to go back and gain all the confidence in the world, and all the strength that I need. I pray to Allah every single day to provide me with whatever I need to fight this. To fight this very wrong sick system. I have one year to do this. I have to do it.
