confusion+guilt=?

I really don't want to type this down, but I have to, coz I'm goin crazy.

I'M HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS

Its not like I hate the job or I don't want it anymore. Okay I got a job offer from the Ministry, a day after i signed my contract. The offer is just perfect. A KG teacher in an advanced governmental kindergarten, teaching is in English, AND inclusive classrooms: 2 children with Down Syndrome, and 2 hearing impaired. They really want me to join coz there are no teachers. And they were actually impressed with my educational background! So finally, I got to where I wanted to reach. I know I can do GREAT at that..and I can give those children a chance to learn English better, and a successful inlusion for children with special needs. It wouldve been the best job offer...

Where am I standing right now? I do understand that I've just been there for a week or so. At the same time, I can see what kind of issues I'll be facing. No cooperation between specialists. No PARENTS SUPPORT. Not much supplies/resources. A who is really killing me. Dead section...etc.

I don't want to complain, its reality. Whats really going on. I never had a full house until this day. I'm confused with what I'm supposed to be doing. I don't know if I'm doing a good job or not. Will I reach their expectations or not. Do I have the necessary skills to continue.

Will I be able to keep A in my class? Will I be able to tolerate his very bad behavior (spitting on my face, hanging onto my clothes, his crazy screams), or am I supposed to tolerate it? If I didn't, am I a bad teacher?

H, is she ever gonna get better? What can I do to a 5 years old who's intellectually around 4 months old? Am I gonna let her parents down? Am I ignoring her in class? Does she need more one on one? How can I provide her with all of that with the others present in class?

What about R...does she really understand whats going on? Does she know how to answer my questions or she's just pretending? Are my teaching strategies effective for her case? Or whats her case exactly?

Didn't get the chance to sit with Y, or meet G. I bet each has a different story.

I know I love special ed, I know that this is what I wana do, and I'm enjoying every single second I spent at the center. But I also know that these children deserve to be taught by a much more professional teacher. I know that very well. Its just so confusing and I hate that feeling.

I just hope that I'll read this post someday, when I'll conquer all these kinds of thoughts, and answer those questions. That is if I decide to stay there.