in pain..

I feel so much hurt today. In so much pain. I just felt that I hate everything that has to do with the center. Everyone. Including myself. Its just hard to blame yourself for doing the RIGHT thing for a student, a human being. Those in the center need to be reminded that we are dealing here with HUMAN BEINGS. Helpless souls that Allah has created and will definitely y7asib whoever is not being fair to them. I've already decided that I'm going to shut up and lock myself in my cubicle. The only thing that made me leave my cubicle is little R. To leave, go to his classroom, hold his hand, and bring him in. And that was after receiving orders (which by the way were given by chance in the corridor).

I talked to the 'psychologist' very respectfully yesterday about why I DO NOT want to attend the first meeting with R's mother to tell her about her son's case. The ones who were supposed to attend were the psychologist since SHE was the one who told the mom that her son is perfectly NORMAL. Plus our director who decided out of the blues to invite R to my classroom last Sunday. And the social worker, just as a decoration. That was just yesterday.

Little R's mother came in today, for the second time, a day before her actual meeting. She pops in during classtime. Her face is pale, bloodless. Tears in her eyes. Her voice is not very clear. The psychologist acts as if she's in her very own classroom and asks her to STAY with R and the rest of us. He starts to cry hysterically and hangs on to her abaya. She indirectly blames ME for making him cry. She thinks he's normal and doesn't believe that any of the skills I teach in this class are important. All what she wants is her son to be in a different section, with normal-looking students, under the name of KG 1. She doesn't care if all he's learned last term was 'throw the tissue in the garbage'. She doesn't believe that her son suffers from any mental delay or motor impairments. R is normal.

It was very shocking. I just needed more time to arrange my thoughts. Going to the psychologist made it worse. I blamed myself for a second because I was the one who went into his classroom and held his hand that day. I was the one who kept on thinking of him all week because of what I've seen in his classroom and the kind of treatment he receives from his teachers. I was the one who wanted him in the classroom. Its all because of me. Well, these thoughts didn't last for a second, it was bit longer. Then I stopped, and reminded myself, "students come first."

I'm even more confused. Should I continue locking myself. Or should I make a big fuss of it? I feel like being stepped on. Its painful by all means. Everyone seems to blame me for accepting him in my class. Or do I deserve to be blamed? Anyways, its too late for that, and its too much for me to deal with. R is just one student out of 6 who still need me to continue teaching with my full potential. I'm not sure if I'm ready to fight a whole system which has been there since 20 years or so. A system that places the student LAST and specific people FIRST. A system that never appreciate hard work. A system that steps on weak people. A system that will never change.

more ACTION

I can't believe how things change SO FAST at our center. Its freaky & very very annoying!


In my previous post, I mentioned that R & A were supposed to come back to my class, but guess what happened? I got two students back PLUS one more. Out of nowhere, little R showed up.


So little R is my number six! My class has become such a circus. I'm on my feet all the time trying to catch up with my new record: 6!


I received the news with a smile. No comments. Thats what I learned at the center. To receive orders, follow them, and stay in my very own classroom away from troubles. Ofcourse I had to go and check out little R's classroom and his educational plan that his teachers created for him. As expected, they didn't even bother to teach him. All he learned was: throw the garbage. I'm serious.

Here I am. A teacher of six students with mental delay, physical challenges, hearing and visual impairments. I'm loving the fact that I am dealing with students of different disabilities. Its adding so much to my teaching experience right now, regardless of the fact that I'm having a work over-load!

One thing that has been really bothering me about this 'over-load' is the way I'm handling it. I feel like I wana talk to someone about it, seek for advice, but I'm feeling hesitant about mentioning it to anyone. Now I have six students, and there is absolutely noway that I can spend an equal amount of time and effort with each and every one of them. What I have found myself doing is dividing them unintentionally into 2 categories. Those who may actually improve, and those who are hopeless. I found myself giving more of my time to G, little R, and H. Whereas A, R, and M come next. I'm not sure if this is right or wrong. I don't even know if I have the right to create such categories in a classroom where I'm supposed to be a teacher to everyone. Equally. I tried my best. I really tried. But G and H has been so much affected. And little R has already started imitating A's misbehavior.

I've been thinking of the reasons why I have 'categorized' my students. I came up with:

1. Family support. 2. Attendance. 3. Chance for improvement.

I always look at teaching as a mission. I look up at each student, and I believe that Allah be7asibne 3ala every single one of them. I always imagine, or dream, that someday, they will talk to me, and tell me how much I've affected them, and changed their lives. When I think of it, I try to picture a wicked teacher entering my classroom and teaching my students. She would come in, close the door, and no one, not a single soul, will have an idea about what she might do to them since they can not talk or express themselves. Its just between her and Allah. And thats what I always keep in mind. When I'm in class, Allah is watching me, and not being fair to them has made me feel so much guilty lately.