Sure Start Children's Centres

Few weeks ago, I've been lucky enough to find my way through one of Sure Start's classrooms, with the help of a classmate. At first, I thought it's some kind of an early intervention center that offers therapeutic and social services for children with disabilities. Something similar to what 'I think' the one in Dubai looks like. Well, it was different.

I entered through the gate. It was a typical center with rooms. There were KG-like classrooms, a kitchen, and a sensory room. What was interesting about the sensory room that I've seen is the 'booking' system that they offered for parents. They could simply book a specific timing where they can spend some quality time with their child and go through that sensory experience together. In the room, there were instructions all over the place to help parents in understanding what each item can do and its purposes. They can also get creative according to the child's needs. For instance, the bean bags that were scattered around were covered with a huge thin layer of foil, just to increase the sensory awareness of babies or children with visual impairments. It provides them with some sense of space through stimulating their auditory and physical senses. I thought that was fascinating. Just the idea of providing parents with such an option is very interesting.


Next, it was the time for the 'group session' which was held every afternoon on Saturdays. One of its aims is to bring families of disabled children together. Not just the mother and the child, but even family members and friends are also welcome to join in. There were sensory activities, and we waited, and waited. Finally, the families arrived! There were mothers, brothers, sisters, and friends. It was something equal to a trip to 'the mall' for these families. Some clearly came from a poor background, but it didn't really matter. They were having conversations with each other, not only about their children, but general topics. It felt like they were taking a break within a safe school-like environment, where no one's there to judge them or stare at their children.

What I found even more interesting, is the fact that these children come in without informing the coordinator about the child's diagnoses, or WHO from the children is the disabled one! They were all playing around together. Honestly, I was lost as I tried to guess which of these children has the 'label'. But again, does it really matter?

There were many sessions that took place, similar to the one I observed. These groups are:

• Swimming Session
• Well Baby Clinic: parents get to meet a health visitor to speak about their child's health concerns, as well as a weight check!
• Work Club: to speak about JOBS and financial issues, which I found very helpful, especially since they are considered as 'disadvantaged families' who probably got a panic attack knowing that their child is disabled and might require extra financial support.
• Fitness Group: for moms!  £4  per session, and only  £1 pound for a day care service while the mother works out.
• Baby and Toddler Time
• La Leche League Support Group: breast-feeding help and support group
• Postnatal Group: with a health visitor
• Little Rascals: an opportunity to meet other moms, dad, and carers (for children between 0 to 18 months)
• Play and Storytime: focus on language skills
• MINOS: Mums In Needs Of Support
• Sensory Fun: targets children with extra sensory needs
• Midwifery Drop in: supports mothers during their early pregnancy until 28 days after birth
• Physiotherapy Drop-In
• Childminder Group
• Poppies Playgroup: for babies and toddlers
• Fitness Group--"Baby Comes Too"
• Men Behaving Dadly: interesting!
• Special Families United: that's the one I attended

I liked the aim behind establishing such centers. Just the idea of providing the option is amazing. Most of the sessions are run buy volunteers or trained individuals who didn't really need to earn a degree. Also, they didn't have to be from a specific country with certain qualifications and a certain language in order to be hired *hint hint*. It was very pure and simple. I mean its not perfect. They also do have issues to do with parents not attending and not really making use of this opportunity. But this doesn't make them angry with parents. They do continue trying and trying.

"Dubai Early Childhood Development Center". I can't really judge. I've only been there once and it was a very formal 'ministry' visit, with a perfect powerpoint presentation and a pretty Director who was probably the only local person working there. Wait, there was the marketing person too, I guess. Other than that, I never heard a thing about their work. Not yet. So you see, I can't judge. I don't want to judge.

is it fear?

The sooner I get to graduate, the more scared I am. I have to admit it! I am really scared. I'm freaked out. I'm in panic. Throughout this year, I got to know who my real friends are. The first time I went to the center for a visit, I barely got a "Salam Alaikom", or even a smile. Their face expressions said, "Oh gosh, she's back." Honestly, I never really expected to be welcomed back this way. Instead, I expected people to fake a smile or a conversation just to know about how I have been doing, which is normally what they do everyday. However, this was probably too hard for them to even fake it. What hurts even more, is the fact that those whom I once thought were my friends, are the ones speaking behind my back. This hurts. Now I think I hold a much greater responsibility towards the center. I need to go back, as strong as I can ever be. I need to speak up for what I believe in. I need to stop all the sh*t going on in whatever way possible. But I'm scared. Very scared.

Before I left the center, I was this quiet girl who doesn't really have a voice. I was a good teacher and everyone recognized this in a way or another, but I was in my own world. I trusted a lot of people, I let a lot of them step on me, but I somehow ignored and moved on. This is the reason why they thought it's OKAY to throw things at me, because I'm that sweet little girl without a voice. Another way to look at it is: I'm that weak naive girl who cannot speak for herself. I don't know if I can change this. I just don't know if I'll have enough strength to fight for what I believe in. I feel so lonely in this, but I don't want to leave the center before I make a change, even if it was a slight change, or at least I should try hard. Very hard.

I'm away from them, but I still do feel these stabs in the back. I feel the hatred. I've been with these people for 4 years, and no one even bothered to ask if I was still alive. I just want to go back and gain all the confidence in the world, and all the strength that I need. I pray to Allah every single day to provide me with whatever I need to fight this. To fight this very wrong sick system. I have one year to do this. I have to do it. 

I realized that I've been relating all my MA courses to my work experience and the provision for disabled children in the UAE, which made me realize even more that I made a very wise decision to work for a while and then pursue my higher education. Another thing is noticing how enthusiastic I get once I decide on a research topic that is relevant to my background. I just type it all from my heart and not only relying on the literature. This is the reason why I've been anxious lately due to the fact that we need to submit our "Critical study" form: my very very final 15,000 words research paper! How stressful!

So my main MAIN topic is provision for pupils with SEN in the UAE where I'll be focusing on the only governmental center in Dubai: my beautiful beloved center! Underneath this main topic are three important factors: teachers, parents, and my very beloved students. Now I'm not sure if 15,000 will be enough to research it ALL. What I know for now is that I need to focus on my favorite part which is the students. I noticed how much emphasis is being placed on students' participation in the UK and how essential it is for their voice to be heard, especially when it comes to developing provision. I would very much like to know what our students think and feel. They were never asked about their opinions. I don't even think that the 'official' stakeholders will bother to know whether they have brains to think, or feelings to express! That's why its a great challenge for me. I don't know how to do it, but I will have to find a way. If the children in the UK can do it, then I think our children deserve a chance. Maybe they have the answers to the questions that our smart officials were never able to answer. At the end, it is THEIR provision, and we are all working for THEM.

About the teachers part, I'm not really sure if I should go for it. Obviously, they are not interested in my 'educational' development. I also don't think that they will be completely honest while answering since I'm someone they kinda know, and it might occur to them that I might spread their answers around especially if I'll be interviewing them. Plus, I personally don't trust myself since I will be very judgmental and subjective when interpreting their answers. Maybe I will use questionnaires that are completely anonymous which require a yes or no answers.

The third part: parents. In general, I've always believed that parents play the most important part in the lives of their children, whether disabled or not. This is why I always try to involve them as much as I can in their children's education, and I also try to involve myself in their lives at home. Not because I want to or I'm interested. Its because I noticed how much this accelerates the child's learning, and also reflects positively on the relationship between the child, parent, and the teacher.

So basically my priorities right now are listed as students, parents, and teachers. The big question is: does the research make sense? Would it be useful or would it be just words on papers? Will my findings make sense? Ah this is so tiring.

I belong...

I just came back from a very busy one month holiday in Dubai. During this one month, I planned a one day visit to my center. This one day became two days. I was planning on turning in to four days...

When I first entered, I felt like a student joining a school for the first time. My legs were shaking and I was breathing very fast. I've been questioning myself all morning: Should I wear this or that? Should I put on high heels or flats? What gifts shall I take to my kids? Which perfume? Should I park outside or underground? Behind all these meaningless questions was a main one: Do I really want to go?

I reached during break time. I entered and my eyes were gazing at my kids. H recognized me immediately and she was jumping out of her wheelchair! G was very shy. S realized I was somewhere in his memory, but it took him a while to find me. The rest of our sections' kids were simply happy. I was happy.

Everything felt so...normal...typical...it was like I've been away for a day or 2. I put on my working coat and went back to work so smoothly. I did the same on day 2. Its funny coz I thought I'll get a reality shock again after all the pinky-ness that I was living in at the UK. But no, it wasn't reality shock. In fact, reality has never left me. I had to hang on to this reality because THIS is what I wana change. So, to all my dear friends who think that I'm 'too good' to be in this center: its where I belong. These are my children, my people, my country. I'm not saying I'll be there forever. I'm just saying that Allah knows best, and shall leave when its the right time to leave.

Title-less

And back to my blog! Oh god how much I miss you...I've come along at times when I was depressed and feeling so lonely. But then I gave up on you just like I gave up on my special world, and created a distance between this world and my personal life that was penetrated by you.

I did not exactly give up my special world. Its been 4 years! YES 4 FREAKIN YEARS...& I'm still there, with my little ones who have grown so much. My princesses G & H, RA, M & S. Okay I'm not technically 'there'. I'm at the UK doing my Masters in Special Educational Needs..my dream, my passion, what I've always wanted so badly...it finally came true! So before I speak about this huge pinky dream I need to update my blog since the last post was more than 2 years ago.

School (in general) has been moving one step forward, and ten backwards. Things has been getting worse and worse by the day. I thought I can make things change. But things have ended up changing me, and that's when I realized that 4 years of my life has passed, and I shall not stay any longer. This place is not for me. Not yet.

We moved into this fancy building that is very beautiful in terms of how it looks like. Our director left us and we have no one to lead the center at the moment. Teachers have been working so hard in gossiping and creating problems with each other. The whole atmosphere has been so negative and sick. Poor children. I think am gonna stop here.

UK: learning and learning and non-stop learning! I so needed to be in this environment that is filled with hope and positive energy. When are we going to reach to this stage of inclusion? I did learn that it took developed countries decades to reach this advanced level, but I also realize that we can adapt those strategies and avoid making their mistakes in order to accelerate the process of inclusion in the UAE! Its not really that complicated. It only requires strength, intelligence, commitment, and hope.

Instead of counting the days to go back to my country, I'm counting the number of days that are being subtracted from my one year of learning experience. It is sad. It is hard going back to my normal life in school after I have seen whats being done here. The kind of treatment and respect that is expressed towards every single individual without discrimination based on ability or disability.

However, I do believe from all my heart, that I have been chosen to do this. I have a strong feeling towards being the change and causing it to happen. After earning my degree, I will have all the confidence and strength that I need to fight those in the 'wrong' places making the very 'wrong' decisions. I will be heard and someone will eventually listen to what I have to say. Those children need me back in there. In the small classroom that hold great love and compassion. The classroom that shaped me and brought up the best in me. I can almost say that my greatest degree that I will always be so proud of has been earned from this classroom, from my children whom I miss dearly.

Even if I had to be selfish enough to leave them one day, I'll always have this goal of going back to them and improving the services that would be provided for a new G, a new H, a new RA, a new M, and a new S.

Dear special world,

You have given me strength, passion, and love. The best moments of my life with my precious ones, but it IS time to leave, for good.

When I first came, you were a dream come true. Actually it was too good to be true. My first *second thoughts* about you were related to how much I thought I wasn't good enough to be there, how much my children deserved someone better than I am.

You were so special, that you made me forget my life. I spent so much time and energy in your world, and I thought you're everything I ever wanted, you're the best that I can ever ask for in my life.

The children? my love, my passion, my strength. I learned so much from you and I still believe in you. I know that Allah will always protect you, and be with you. I definitely know that some day inshaAllah you will be able to talk to me, and I will talk to you, and we will laugh together.

I'm in so much pain, and I don't even know why I'm typing this right now. My eyes are filled with tears and I don't know what else to do. 

Year 2

I had to scan through my posts for the past couple of years of teaching. It feels like being in some marathon where I was running and running not being able to catch my breath for a moment. Its just so fast how time is passing. Im a teacher already with 2 years of teaching experience. WOW..

I also noticed how less enthusiastic Ive been this past year. Perhaps its because of all the changes, pressure, and being affected by others behaviors. It was just too much for me to handle on a psychological level. BUT..my students progress was amazing..especially the 2 little princesses G & H..I've seen them grow every single day and I just cant describe how wonderful that feeling is.

Do I want to continue? Yes. I did have second thoughts about everything coz I did reach the point when I've had enough..but being with my students made it worth every moment of despair..the happiness that fills up my world when being surrounded by them always reminds me of how much I love what I'm doing, and I can never leave that behind and walk away..

For the last month, I havent really prepared anything for next year coz last year's preparations were stored somewhere in my shelves. This school is so unpredicatable where everyday or at least every thursday it must end with some surprise..and unpleasant one ofcourse..so I just decided to leave everything on hold until I get into my classroom and meet my students again..whether they'll be the same ones OR I will be expecting a number 7..8..or even 10..everything is possible..

miss you..always..

AEPS?!

I've been going every saturday to a VERY VERY interesting 'workshop'. Interesting in very special ways.

This workshop is about a new 'advanced' curriculum in the area of Early Intervention. It follows team approach and require family support. A very nice and optimistic curriculum. An interesting Arabic dude decided to translate it and unfortunately our Ministry paid him hundreds of thousands. The goal behind this workshop is for us to be able to traine the others in the center. But...

What I hate in some people is when they TALK about things that they do not know about. Is it very difficult for people to simply say 'I dont know?' Okay fine we get that you have a phd and bla bla..but it doesnt mean that u know it all !!!

So this workshop was supposedly given by a dr.someone who translated a whole book that has assessments, evaluation forms, and curriculums for early intervention into Arabic. This curriculum has a lot of scoring, its international, very detailed and professional.

Arabic version: He translated the old edition. When he was done he realized that a new edition is produced. Okay now what should he do? AHA! Choose some stuff from the new one and add it to the other and maybe cancel some chapters of the test. Whatever. No one will notice. There you go. 4 huge boring books FULL of letters and words and spelling/vocab mistake. Translated word by word NOT by meaning. Stick the logo of the Ministry on the cover just for show-off. Hundreds of thousands for such crap.

I was angery, furious, extremely upset about how we tend to trust people and throw our money on things that are not even revised or certified! It was just so depressing and a waste of time. That person has supposedly earned a phd and he's responsible for the Masters program in a University that holds the name of my country. Such a shame.

Whats happening now is that we're so excited about borrowing everything from the West just to mention that OH our center uses AEPS or Portage or PECS or whatever. Its about the title not the content. Okay fine its such a great idea that we're actually translating curriculums but why can't we just do it the right way? hire the right people? follow the right procedure?

7th IEP

I met with RA's mother the other day. As I very well expected, his mother has absolutely no idea about how to deal with her son, which made me feel sorry for her.

I don't really know what exactly affects "good" parenting of a child with special needs. I have parents who know every single thing about their child and his or her disability in terms of techniques or medical approaches available for their case etc etc although they have other children besides this child, although they are working mothers, no matter how 'severe' the case is, they still do believe in their child and know exactly what the strengths and weaknesses are.

Other parents, RA's in specific is of a different case. I stayed analyzing her personality and the reasons why she might lack enough knowledge about how to take care of RA. First of all, she got married at a very young age (16 years old) and having a child with special needs at such a young age could've been a shock for her. She has this image of RA being a 'normal' child but a little 'naughtier' than the others. She does not understand his behavior, and from what I've seen, RA still hasn't gain the concept of punishment and reward. He does not realize that oops I've done something wrong and I will be punished for it and mommy's gonna be angry at me! In fact, he is still not able to differentiate between those different feelings an adult might expose him to. And sadly, she's been physically punishing him so hard to MAKE him understand.

I really think that parents of children with special needs in general are always always blamed for the way they treat their child and how theyre careless at some times and bla bla..but really..when you actually sit with them and know what theyre going through, its just heart breaking. They need guidance. And we are required to provide them with guidance and support and forgiveness for the little mistakes that they might do. I can not blame RA's mother for physically punishing RA because we as special educators are the ones RESPONSIBLE for guiding her through this very challenging experience. A lot of you might go like oh my god how could she lay a hand at such an innocent child and you would honestly feel sorry for him. But you would never imagine how difficult it is to raise a child with special needs. Not even myself, his teacher.

For now, it seems that I need to prepare a new IEP: for RA's mother. Its not about him now, its about creating a healthy relationship between him and his mother based on understanding and help her overcome this whole confusion state that she's going through.

As a special educator, as a teacher in this field, you find out that its never really about the child alone. Working with children with special needs require efforts with the child, his parents, his family, the whole team and community. We are very responsible for this child's whole life and we must interfere with all the aspects of it. Teaching is so much more than matching colors and shapes. Its about creating a clear path, a safe one, for this child to continue going through even when you are not around.

in pain..

I feel so much hurt today. In so much pain. I just felt that I hate everything that has to do with the center. Everyone. Including myself. Its just hard to blame yourself for doing the RIGHT thing for a student, a human being. Those in the center need to be reminded that we are dealing here with HUMAN BEINGS. Helpless souls that Allah has created and will definitely y7asib whoever is not being fair to them. I've already decided that I'm going to shut up and lock myself in my cubicle. The only thing that made me leave my cubicle is little R. To leave, go to his classroom, hold his hand, and bring him in. And that was after receiving orders (which by the way were given by chance in the corridor).

I talked to the 'psychologist' very respectfully yesterday about why I DO NOT want to attend the first meeting with R's mother to tell her about her son's case. The ones who were supposed to attend were the psychologist since SHE was the one who told the mom that her son is perfectly NORMAL. Plus our director who decided out of the blues to invite R to my classroom last Sunday. And the social worker, just as a decoration. That was just yesterday.

Little R's mother came in today, for the second time, a day before her actual meeting. She pops in during classtime. Her face is pale, bloodless. Tears in her eyes. Her voice is not very clear. The psychologist acts as if she's in her very own classroom and asks her to STAY with R and the rest of us. He starts to cry hysterically and hangs on to her abaya. She indirectly blames ME for making him cry. She thinks he's normal and doesn't believe that any of the skills I teach in this class are important. All what she wants is her son to be in a different section, with normal-looking students, under the name of KG 1. She doesn't care if all he's learned last term was 'throw the tissue in the garbage'. She doesn't believe that her son suffers from any mental delay or motor impairments. R is normal.

It was very shocking. I just needed more time to arrange my thoughts. Going to the psychologist made it worse. I blamed myself for a second because I was the one who went into his classroom and held his hand that day. I was the one who kept on thinking of him all week because of what I've seen in his classroom and the kind of treatment he receives from his teachers. I was the one who wanted him in the classroom. Its all because of me. Well, these thoughts didn't last for a second, it was bit longer. Then I stopped, and reminded myself, "students come first."

I'm even more confused. Should I continue locking myself. Or should I make a big fuss of it? I feel like being stepped on. Its painful by all means. Everyone seems to blame me for accepting him in my class. Or do I deserve to be blamed? Anyways, its too late for that, and its too much for me to deal with. R is just one student out of 6 who still need me to continue teaching with my full potential. I'm not sure if I'm ready to fight a whole system which has been there since 20 years or so. A system that places the student LAST and specific people FIRST. A system that never appreciate hard work. A system that steps on weak people. A system that will never change.

more ACTION

I can't believe how things change SO FAST at our center. Its freaky & very very annoying!


In my previous post, I mentioned that R & A were supposed to come back to my class, but guess what happened? I got two students back PLUS one more. Out of nowhere, little R showed up.


So little R is my number six! My class has become such a circus. I'm on my feet all the time trying to catch up with my new record: 6!


I received the news with a smile. No comments. Thats what I learned at the center. To receive orders, follow them, and stay in my very own classroom away from troubles. Ofcourse I had to go and check out little R's classroom and his educational plan that his teachers created for him. As expected, they didn't even bother to teach him. All he learned was: throw the garbage. I'm serious.

Here I am. A teacher of six students with mental delay, physical challenges, hearing and visual impairments. I'm loving the fact that I am dealing with students of different disabilities. Its adding so much to my teaching experience right now, regardless of the fact that I'm having a work over-load!

One thing that has been really bothering me about this 'over-load' is the way I'm handling it. I feel like I wana talk to someone about it, seek for advice, but I'm feeling hesitant about mentioning it to anyone. Now I have six students, and there is absolutely noway that I can spend an equal amount of time and effort with each and every one of them. What I have found myself doing is dividing them unintentionally into 2 categories. Those who may actually improve, and those who are hopeless. I found myself giving more of my time to G, little R, and H. Whereas A, R, and M come next. I'm not sure if this is right or wrong. I don't even know if I have the right to create such categories in a classroom where I'm supposed to be a teacher to everyone. Equally. I tried my best. I really tried. But G and H has been so much affected. And little R has already started imitating A's misbehavior.

I've been thinking of the reasons why I have 'categorized' my students. I came up with:

1. Family support. 2. Attendance. 3. Chance for improvement.

I always look at teaching as a mission. I look up at each student, and I believe that Allah be7asibne 3ala every single one of them. I always imagine, or dream, that someday, they will talk to me, and tell me how much I've affected them, and changed their lives. When I think of it, I try to picture a wicked teacher entering my classroom and teaching my students. She would come in, close the door, and no one, not a single soul, will have an idea about what she might do to them since they can not talk or express themselves. Its just between her and Allah. And thats what I always keep in mind. When I'm in class, Allah is watching me, and not being fair to them has made me feel so much guilty lately.

"UPDATE"

http://www.alkhaleej.ae/portal/acea0169-8385-4855-9423-2c1cbc8224b9.aspx


Its been a week since the second term of my second year has started. Everything seems so quiet and smooth so far. I've been trying to focus on my 3 students; ignoring the fact that I was told last term that R & A are coming back to me. Finally. I've seen it coming.

So what I did is: prepare their IEP's, which by the way are the same ones of last year since they have forgotten ALL what I taught them and became even worse. What I need to do now is sit back, relax, and wait for my director to open up the subject with me soon.

Students UPDATE:

• G has shown remarkable progress this year. She's such a cute fast learner who's eager to learn everything new! Well, everything other than language and communication skills. Thats her weakness.
• H is also amazing in terms of understanding new concepts and terms related to cognitive skills. But she's struggling so much with her physical movement because of gaining weight. Thats an issue I'm supposed to discuss AGAIN with her parents.
• M. Until now, I did not notice any improvement with him in all areas. Its so hard to work with him since he has very limited cognitive skills at the moment. I'm not sure if I'll ever achieve anything by the end of this year, which might actually cause little problems.

Career UPDATE:

I think I'm happy where I am right now. I thought, for a while, that teaching wasn't what I wanted. But when I got the chance to leave, I just couldn't. At the moment, teaching is my passion. Its changing me to be a better person, which would definitely affect my professional development much more than those so-called workshops that the ministry sends me to. I'm still learning every single day, even if I don't really notice it. Teaching makes me a happy person, and that's why I need to continue teaching and stop worrying about the future.

Moving on

I chose to stay away.

Right now, all I'm thinking of is H, G, & my little M. No R. No A. Or at least, not that much. Ofcourse it took a lot of time to convince myself that it was for the best. I had to re-evaluate my priorities and place them in the right order. That it was a hopeless situation for R and A based on my past experience working with their families, especially when A came back this year with the same exact behavior of last year, and R coming to school once a week.

Working with 3 students is much more fun than having 5 at the same time. Well, fun isn't the right word, but it made my days at school go in a much more organized way, which is what I really really really needed. PLUS, my students are developing at a MUCH faster rate, which is very positive!

Other than that, I have stopped teaching since around 3 weeks because of our PLAY. Its what everyone at the center AND ministry has been talking about and waiting for. 18th of December, thats the date when our students will get the chance to walk on stage and to be clapped for, for the very first time in their lives. And I'm so glad I'll be a part of it.

So, work. I love teaching. I love my students. Got the point. But I feel there's something missing. Although I'm going to those so-called workshops and all, but I'm not learning. I'm not developing. I'm still reading books, and digging in all the possible topics related to the field of special needs, but I'm not learning. Not the kind of learning that would provide me with the experience I need. What I want is hands on experience, working with professionals, trying out new strategies and creating ones! Everything seems to be so limited where I stand right now. Its like Im just giving and teaching and teaching and teaching.

My conclusion is: I will never ever reach what I want if I stay where I am.

My decision is: Leave once I get the chance to.

And by chance, I mean a chance for me to be in a place where I can learn, develop, and be creative. Thats my decision. For now.

Another challenge

A lot of drama & action has been going on lately which made me reach to the point when I had to shout out loud: I'VE HAD ENOUGH!

So the new teacher I mentioned earlier left our section & took one of my students (el7imdilla) since she's gonna be teaching a regular KG classroom. BUT another teacher was moved from another section into ours, which was VERY VERY UNFORTUNATE.

I divided the class again, and I am teaching now H, G, & M, whereas the other teacher is supposedly teaching H & A. She never stops complaining, crying, shouting all the time about how much she hates the director, and in an indirect way, the whole section. She teaches for half an hour in the morning, and another half an hour at the end of the day. She always threatens to leave and resign.

Its horrible.

I feel so bad to leave my very own beloved students with her. A never stops spitting in her classroom as she can't seem to handle him, or even WANT to have him in her class. It has become a personal battle between her and the director and I don't really know if I should be part of it and beg the director to kick her out of the section.

I'm very confused. Should I fight to have my students back in my class which would be a class of 5? Or should I stay away of it and leave it up to the director, since she always says "students come first" ?

Its so hard for me to stay away especially since A is really frustrated and looks like he's going back to what he was before. And I also think it would be hard for the director to look like a loser in that battle and break her very own rules.

I don't really know what to do.

Where's my beginning?

A month has passed since my last post about my "new beginning", BUT, my beginning hasn't started yet!

Since the last month, I've been trying to feel enthusiastic again about my whole teaching experience. I've been feeling down, still lost, and annoyed by all the things going on at the center. I was also feeling so guilty about not being my full self for my students, but I hope I had my reasons.

Back to the present, and today in specific, I've been told that a new teacher is coming and I'm supposed to divide the class into 2. After all the hard work and preparations, 3 students (or 1) are leaving me, and when was I told? after more than a month. In fact, I was supposed to know about this since last term, but whom am I talking to?!

Anyways, so I divided the class into 2! H, A, & R in one class, and the other will have G & 2 more new students. Now it's REALLY hard for me to choose between them. I need to sort out my mind and list down the reasons on which I should base my decision upon.

CLASS (1): H,R,A

• I worked VERY hard to achieve their goals last year
• I am able to build on what they have already achieved because I am very aware of their abilities and what theyre capable of
• I will start immediately with their IEP's since I've already finished my assessments and their IEP's
• Working with them is very challenging
• I'm worried that the other teacher might not be happy to be with them because of their limited cognitive skills & behavioral challenges

CLASS (2): G+2 new students

• I am so interested to work with new cases
• I need some CHANGE
• I feel like working with students of a higher level since the Portage curriculum is getting boring
• There's a high chance that one of the new students will get included into a regular school, and INCLUSION is my very beloved area
• Leaving G will be a very painful experience

I can't think of reasons why I do NOT want to teach any of the 2 classes, because if it was up to me, I would've kept them all for myself.

I am very confused, very very very confused. It's so hard to give up any of them, but again, I'm not supposed to get THAT emotionally attached to them, because I'll have to leave them sooner or later.

A new beginning

I already started my second year of teaching a week ago. Although I have prepared every single thing last term, but I still feel kinda lost. Ofcourse, a lot of that has to do with administrative things; for example: not knowing who my students are for this year, which is the most major thing ever!

Other than that, I have only met H & A until now. H's physical status is worse than last term but she's still a cute social princess. However, A was brainwashed by all the bad language used at home, and thats what I have been listening to ever since he started school! His behavior is still kinda the same, although he spit on me on the very first day, but he had his reasons!

I don't really know why I'm not VERY excited about teaching. Maybe its because I'm confused, its Ramadan, and not all my students showed up. I hope I get the energy I need for this term because there will be LOTS of work, especially if I got new students into my classroom.

Thats my overview for the first week. More weeks to come!

Year 1

Wow I can't believe how time went fast, and el7imdilla el7imdilla I think I've achieved all my goals!

I have prepared a whole new curriculum for my students, whom will definitely increase in number by next year. The curriculum I chose is very direct and allows to address different goals of different levels. Hope it works out for them!

I have also prepared my students' IEPs (a draft) but again I'll have to edit and edit and edit until I come up with a finalised plan. Ofcourse if I get more students, I'll have to choose less number of goals in order to avoid the pressure of time and focus on the quality of teaching!

Anyways, I do consider my first year of teaching as some kind of traning for me, since I haven't done any of that. Its so hard to make mistakes and think low of yourself, especially since I was able to handle my KG classroom so easily, and I suddenly become a part of a much challenging world, that is very unpredictable...but I can never describe the joy I find in what I do. Its definitely a blessing.

A.. I always try to avoid the feeling of guilt that hunts me whenever I remember the times when I considered him as UN-LEARNABLE. I wanted him out of my classroom. I felt excited about teaching when I came into the classroom and didn't find him. Now, there he is. My biggest achievement. He sits on his chair quietly. He matches colors and shapes. He listens to stories. And more importantly, he recognizes me. He knows that I am there, and will always be. I proved everyone wrong. How did I do it? through love =) that's something I neither learned in books, nor classes. Its through him.

R.. my main goal for her will be to strengthen my relationship with her family, and try to get to know them even more. Otherwise, I'll never be able to achieve anything with her. She obviously goes through so much pain, and I shouldn't allow that to happen anymore.

As for H & G, the 2 little princesses, I'm planning to follow early intervention strategies and achieve as much goals as possible!

I wonder who will be in my class next year. I think I can handle 2 more. I've actually been with all the students who might be admitted in our section. Few are of moderate levels, and most are really severe. I saw this little boy, not sure of his name, but he looked so cute, and he can speak!! Inshalla inshalla I have him in my class next year.

So thats it. I'm done with the traning part, and so ready for the hard-work that awaits next year inshalla. I'm already missing each one of them, and I was planning to call and check on them before I leave for my vacation. But I guess I found my closure on 15/05/08. That was my closure with them, and I wanted it to end there, in order to plan for my beginning.

miss you all

Last Day!

Today is marked as the Last Day for my students on their very first year of school! It has ended with a Parents Meeting that went, kinda well, and lots of hugs & tears.

I don't have much to say. Its just that it would be so hard to come again to school and find the class empty and quiet. But I think I need some time off to reflect on my YEAR ONE of teaching. I've done so many mistakes, yet, I came to discover certain points of strength that I need to build on for my YEAR 2 inshallah.

My plans for the upcoming 6 weeks:

• Write down final reports for my students
• Prepare drafts of the IEP for next year
• Clean the classroom
• Decorate the classroom for next year
• Re-arrange the physical environment
• Prepare the units and lesson plans
• Research my students' cases even more
• Read, read, read!
• Publish a post that sums up my first year of teaching :)

I guess this should keep me busy!

Deceived

I am your voice.

Its interesting how looks and words could be deceiving. Its even more interesting how people can hide beneath a carefully polished surface to make them look more socially accepted or appreciated. Whats not interesting is how a mother can let her child get hurt and go through a painful experience...without finding a reasonable explanation...or a logical reason...or even the right to let such a thing happen...Why: thats the question.

R. I've been so worried about her all year long. I've been trying to find reasons behind the sad look in her eyes..her social withdrawal..her silence..I thought this might be just a 'symptom' which does make sense..but deep inside..I felt something was wrong..really wrong..and I realized that even more today.

It was an ordinary day. I was feeling over-happy to see the kids and all. I saw R sitting just by the door. I waved to her and then she went with the PT to the hospital for some check-ups. When she came back, I gave her a big hug and played with her hair. There were the marks on her cheeks. 3 huge hand prints, full of anger, marked right there like its challenging me. Giving me a wake-up call. Slapping me right onto my face. I was so confused. I immediately started crying, not aware of how to react.

First thing: call the mother. Not picking up. Second: call the aunt. Not picking up. Third: call the police. The director didn't think that it was a good idea. I just took my camera and took pictures of the marks. Never thought that my student's profile will ever save such images of cruelty between the colorful pages that are splashed with paint and beautiful memories.

I was crying all day. I couldn't think right. For a moment, I felt like I had to take her back home with me. I asked the director to handle it from there. I knew I wasn't feeling well.

The story might sound like it ended here, but it left me with questions. Who? Why? Why? Why! This incident marked a new chapter in my career. It created a whole new aspect of teaching. I was never ready. I never thought I should prepare myself for that. But from now on, I do feel like a different teacher. A teacher who should not only teach. A teacher who should be a voice for her silent class.

time out

Things are going pretty fast at school. The year has come to an end in no time. I'm going through the "oh my goodness I haven't accomplished a thing" kinda phase coz I'm looking at the unfilled part of the glass right now. Anyways, so my plan for the upcoming month is to practice the set of goals that were accomplished by the students in order to be able to write a complete assessment of where they will be standing by the end of the year. I am also planning to create a work portfolio for each student with samples of the work and lots of pictures of them!

G: el7imdilla. G is not going anywhere! She will stay in my class, but I'll have to arrange a special schedule for her in order for her to be able to socialize with students from other sections. I was hoping to accomplish more with regards to her IEP since I see her as a very bright gurl. But unfortunately, time was limited and I just understood what her case is about. Ofcourse I'm still worried about her since there is a possibility that she would get totally blind--in this case, she will be treated as a deaf-blind student which will make her very difficult to handle.

R: Compared to the rest of the students, R showed the least amount of progress due to her very long period of absence, her family's dishonesty, and because her case hasn't been clear to me whatsoever. I just found out that she is diagnosed with Agenesis of Corpus Callosum, which in brief refers to the absence of hundreds of millions of nerve tissues that connect the right and left hemispheres of the brain. I was shocked coz I have been studying about how to stimulate the interaction between the 2 hemispheres back in UNI. Now, I'm working with a student who doesn't even have it. Part of it was a relief since I was nearly going crazy about not knowing the reason behind her social withdrawal. ACC has so much to do with that which is the reason why she is not able to perceive facial expressions and social cues. Her next year's IEP would be totally different.

A: He has changed A LOT since the beginning of the year! I can't wait until the end so that I could read the very first post about him. There is NO SPITTING not in school..not at home. He used much of his 'stored' language which is very positive. He washes his hands, and put his shoes on all by himself. And he also matches colors! I'm so proud of him. He turned out to be an achievement instead of a failure.

H: My baby has also changed so much. She is very social, always smiling, loves being around her teachers and friends. She somehow knows the basic colors (red, blue, yellow, green). Her language improved! I'm just confused about her mental state. I've always believed in her, and I truely believe that she is in a normal mental condition but has been affected by environmental factors that has lowered it. However, others can't see that. I'm not sure if I'm only being sensitive about it which makes me not able to be as objective as others.